Another Way To Drive Him Off
by They Call Me A Number
Summary: Desperate for a way to get Howard to leave her alone, Xena tries another plan. It backfires in the best way possible.


**AN:** I have no fucking clue. This was supposed to be a funny little fic, and it literally turned into porn without my permission. I don't fucking know. Though I have a suspicion that this came from me having to cut short a similar stable make out scene in Apple Proposal, so I accidentally wrote this because that scene couldn't go more than a deep kiss. But oh well. Whatever. I wrote porn for you guys, so enjoy the porn, and let me know how I can do better. Seriously, if you have an idea on how I can improve, let me know, because I have no fucking clue.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

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"You want us to _what_?"

"Come on, Gabrielle," Xena said, the plea in her voice clear. "I've tried talking to him, Minya's tried talking to him, you've tried to get him to see reason- nothing's worked! The only way I can see to get him to leave me alone so I can work is by making him think I'm unavailable."

Howard's attention, while unwanted, had started out as cute. Just like all the others, he ran off to do whatever she needed him to do, brought her gifts, and wanted to be overly involved in her plan- he was kind of like a new puppy, in a way. However, unlike everyone else who had become obsessed with her, he didn't seem to understand just how impossible them being together was. While almost everyone else had known from the get-go that they would never win her heart, or had understood relatively quickly when she had sent Gabrielle to explain, Howard was either stupid or delusional, for he still believed there was something there.

His crush on her had quickly gone from cute to annoying, and was dangerously close to sliding into the interfering zone. Which meant, if it kept up for too much longer, she wouldn't be ready when Gareth arrived, and she needed every moment she had to prepare. If she had to keep stopping because he was bugging her, or because he had tried to help and had ruined something instead, or because he was just in her way, they were going to die.

Which Xena wasn't about to let happen, no matter how annoyed she was with Gabrielle for trading away her whip for a frying pan.

"I just don't understand," Gabrielle said, leaning back against the stable post. The two of them, when Xena had come to her saying she had a plan to deal with Howard once and for all, had taken shelter in the stables, Argo the only witness to their conversation. "Can't you just say you have a lover in some far off town, who's also fighting for justice and can't stay with you all the time?"

"You don't understand men like these, Gabrielle," Xena said, shaking her head. "If I say I'm already in a relationship with someone who isn't present, then he'll say I deserve someone who'll stay by my side. If I say I'm in love with someone who's dead, then he'll say that he might be the one to help my broken heart heal and move on. If I say I'm not interested in a relationship right now, he'll say he'll wait until I am." Xena pulled out her chakram and began to play with it, fiddling with the edge to make sure it was sharp- though her nose wrinkled at the slight smell of fish that still lingered. "The only way to get him to leave me alone so I can figure this plan out is if he thinks I'm one hundred percent unavailable. And since there's no one else, that just leaves you."

"Oh, great," Gabrielle said, rolling her eyes. "So if there was someone else, you'd pretend to date them over me?"

"No." Xena chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment as Gabrielle glanced over at her, giving her a strange look. Xena knew she was walking on thin ice here- she had to be careful. "You're my best friend, Gabrielle," Xena said softly, "even when you annoy the Tartarus out of me, you still are. The only person I'd be comfortable enough to pretend to be in a relationship like this is you. But if you weren't comfortable playing the part with me, at least in other towns I could find someone else- I have allies in almost all of the major cities in Greece, and I could convince them to play the part. But there is no one else- only you, Gabrielle." For a moment she held her breathe- had she said too much? Was her tone a bit too honest?

"Well," Gabrielle said after a long moment, pushing herself to her feet, shaking her head, "then I guess we're in a relationship now. How are we going to play this off?" Beginning to pace as she thought, Gabrielle began listing ways off, counting them on her fingers as she waited for Xena to add her input. "We could always just tell him and hold hands and stuff. Or we could let him 'walk in' on us cuddling. Or-"

Whatever Gabrielle had been about to say was cut off as Xena, hearing a set of footsteps approaching, grabbed Gabrielle by the wrist and pulled her into a kiss.

It was Gabrielle who relaxed into the kiss first, the stiffness draining from her as her surprise at Xena's actions faded. Her eyes fluttered shut as she pressed closer to Xena, her hands coming up to rest on her shoulders. Hesitantly, Xena placed her hands on Gabrielle's hips, pulling the bard flushed against her. Pulling away, she tilted her head for a better angle before kissing her again, a low sound rumbling in her throat as Gabrielle's hands moved from her shoulder to wrap around her neck, one hand sliding into her hair as the other pulled her down to kiss her better.

It was nice, kissing Gabrielle, finally giving in to the desire she had had for the bard for the last year. Though it was a very thin line she walked- it was Minya who had opened the door, not Harold, and it was still her who was watching them in shock. This was all part of a plan, nothing more, and the moment Minya left them (hopefully to go tell Harold what she had seen), this would be over. So Xena enjoyed what she could without letting it go too far.

Then Gabrielle tugged on the handful of hair she had grabbed, a low, deep moan echoing from the bard, and Xena felt that last little bit of control she still had snap.

"Gabrielle," Xena gasped, pulling away from the kiss to latch her lips onto Gabrielle's neck, her hands kneading her hips, thumbs sliding under the top of Gabrielle's skirt to brush circles into the skin. Pushing them back, Xena moved them away from the center of the stables, pressing Gabrielle's back hard against the wall as she sucked on Gabrielle's pulse point, drawing out a long, low groan, her head tilting back for more. Denying her, returning to her lips, Xena kissed her hard, nipping at Gabrielle's bottom lip before running her tongue against the mark, a twinge flowing through her as Gabrielle's tongue reached out to touch her own, moaning again as they brushed against each other, deep and low and erotic enough to send a heat through her. Pressing her thigh between Gabrielle's legs, Xena was surprised to find her already so wet, her hips immediately grinding down against Xena's thigh, moving in desperate rocks to get the friction Gabrielle clearly needed.

Gabrielle was either playing the part very well, or they were going to have to have a talk when this was done.

But for now Xena pushed those thoughts away, focusing on the now, on the woman writhing against her and moaning her name into their kiss.

Going back to Gabrielle's neck, Xena kissed her way from right under Gabrielle's jaw down the line of her neck, her hands moving from Gabrielle's hips to her arched back, supporting her as she rocked, her hands massaging Xena's scalp, leading her to the places Gabrielle would like the most. Groaning when Xena's lips landed on a spot half way down her throat, Gabrielle tugged her to a halt, holding her there.

"There, Xena," Gabrielle panted, "please, right there, please."

Placing feather light kisses against the spot Gabrielle had led her to, Xena ran her tongue back up Gabrielle's neck, pressing her lips to her ear, whispering almost too softly for the bard to hear- "I love you"- before returning to that spot and biting, hard enough to mark and bruise for at least a couple of days, a keening cry leaving Gabrielle as she came, her hips jerking against Xena's thigh, leaving a trail of slick wetness where she moved.

Xena placed soft, gentle kisses against Gabrielle's face as she came down, her legs shaking as she tried to support herself, leaning heavily against Xena as she did. Holding her close, Xena buried her face into Gabrielle's hair, sighing as she tried to calm herself down, trying to tame the flame still burning in her stomach that she would have to ignore until after the coming battle if she wanted to get out of here alive.

"Well," Gabrielle finally said, her voice shaking slightly, "that's one way to make them think we're together. Who was watching?"

"Minya," Xena replied, "though she didn't watch for long. She listened for a bit," she continued, searching through her memory to place when she had finally heard Minya run off- right after Gabrielle had started begging. "But she didn't stay."

"Ok," Gabrielle said, her voice steadying. Standing up on her own, Gabrielle reached down and fixed her skirt, blushing as she caught sight of the slight sheen that covered Xena's thigh. "Well, it shouldn't be hard to convince her, at least," Gabrielle said with a small laugh as Xena turned away, grabbing a cloth from one of the saddlebags to clean herself off.

Xena knew what Gabrielle was doing- trying to play it off like it was all part of the plan, like the two of them didn't just have sex in the stables. As if it was nothing.

"Gabrielle," Xena began, trying to find the words she needed. "Gabrielle, I-"

Gabrielle cut her off with another kiss, this one long and slow, nothing sexual about it- just a simple kiss, nothing more.

"Let's talk after you defeat the giant, alright," Gabrielle said- it was unusual for her to be the one unwilling to talk, but clearly she was, unable to fully meet Xena's eyes.

A spark of panic ran through the warrior, a knot growing in her throat.

"Gabrielle, I'm sorry."

"Why," Gabrielle asked, glancing up- her gaze distant, only able to meet Xena's for a moment before she looked back down. "I'm the one who took your plan too far. I should be apologizing, not you." She was shaking as she spoke, and immediately Xena found herself pulling Gabrielle into her arms, holding her close.

"I never should have kissed you," Xena said softly, holding Gabrielle tightly to her. "I thought I could control myself, control how I feel… I'm sorry, Gabrielle."

"How you feel," Gabrielle asked after a moment, pulling away, wiping at her eyes as she looked up at the warrior. There was a strange look in her eyes- confused, calculating, wondering, as if she was trying to puzzle together everything Xena had said. "What do you mean?"

It was now or never. She could either say what she had to say, or she could lie to Gabrielle's face and keep the status quo the same, though how anything could be the same she wasn't sure.

She chose now, because at least Gabrielle would chose to leave knowing the truth instead of their friendship faltering because of everything else.

"I love you," Xena said softly, using her finger to turn Gabrielle's face fully towards her, capturing and holding her gaze. She wanted to see Gabrielle's reaction- whether it be anger, distain, whatever Gabrielle would feel for her, Xena wanted to see it in her eyes, so at least she would know the truth, not whatever Gabrielle would tell her to hide the sting. "I love you, Gabrielle. Not as a friend, but more."

Xena had been expecting a series of emotions to pass across Gabrielle's face at her declaration, but joy, excitement, and something else, something she couldn't quite place, weren't it.

Reaching up onto her toes, Gabrielle pulled her into another kiss, though it would be hard pressed to call it that- she was laughing too hard for them to full connect, finally just burying her face into Xena's neck as she laughed.

"Gabrielle? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Xena," Gabrielle said, shaking her head. Looking up at her, Gabrielle gave her a wide smile, her hand reaching down to intertwine their fingers. "I just love you too."

If it was something mundane that was destined to kill her, it would have been that casual little confession of affection. But she didn't die; instead she smiled as widely as she could before leaning down to kiss Gabrielle again.

Only this time it remained sweet and innocent, for a second later they both heard Minya and Howard sneaking up to the barn, both as quiet as an elephant.

"There's no way," Howard said, his voice slightly muffled by the wood. "There's no way Xena and Gabrielle are together. You're making this up."

"I swear it," Minya replied, indignant. "On my honor, they were going at it like rabbits, right here in this very barn. See for yourself."

A creak as the barn door opened, an intake of breath as Howard took in the sight of them- disheveled, the bite mark on Gabrielle's neck probably clear from where he was looking, the two of them still locked into a kiss. The door closing again, Howard letting out a shaking sigh.

"I've been a fool, haven't I," Howard asked. "You, Xena, Gabrielle- all of you said I stood no chance, I just didn't want to believe it. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you better be," Minya grumbled, though a moment later they could hear her smack him friendlily on the shoulder. "Come on, you fool," Minya sighed. "We still need to get the mirrors to the north end of the village- if those two are too preoccupied to save us, then we need to save ourselves."

With that the two were gone, leaving Xena and Gabrielle chuckling to themselves in the barn.

"We should probably go out there," Xena said after a few moments, running her hand through her hair. "I have to figure out a way to defeat a giant without the sun."

"When all of this is over," Gabrielle said slowly, reaching up to touch the bite mark on her neck- she winced, but a moment later a hungry look washed over her face as she glanced back up at Xena. "When this is over, I'm repaying the favor."

Xena had never been as excited for a battle to be done before as she followed Gabrielle out of the barn and went straight back to work, this time free from Howard-caused interruptions.


End file.
